Maiden Voyage Day 2 – mooring in a very cross wind #narrowboat

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Look lively there lad, splice the funnel bunting and run up the rudder snodgrobbets!

Swab those thingummies and sing me something by Rod Stewart.

[And other nautical cat-calls oft heard these days in the vicinity of Cardinal Wolsey.]

So.

There I was, moored gently alongside The Olde Barbridge Inn, still full of ale and warm calories, with servicing work completed on the gas cooker and the diesel water/space heater by the nice chap from Mobile Marine Engineering. I woke, stretched, scratch an armpit or two, prepared my customary breakfast of rum-on-toast – and then it hit me. The cupboard door, that is. Worse yet, while sat sitting on the galley floor with an imprint of a cupboard door handle on my forehead, I suddenly realised that I was almost two miles and a whole lock and a mooring exercise away from my safe haven in the marina – and I’d have to get the Cardinal back there without, this day, the benefit of the nice lady Linda of Cheshire Cat Training. A space-walk without a tether, a dive without a dive-buddy, a leap on the high trapese without a safe-er-tee net.

Eek! I said. Eek and gadzooks.

This was a very adventurous thing to say indeed, since I had just fallen on my ample eek and I, as yet, don’t know my gadzooks from my bilge-rat. A telephone call was made to the brother, during which I threatened to tell the authorities about the missing goats and he coincidentally agreed to meet me at Barbridge with all haste and a modicum of moral support.

Those nice aliens from planet CanalPlan.org.uk – and a little bit of looking with my own eye-stalks – told me that, since the Cardinal was pointing in what we in nautical circles term “die falsche richtung”, we’d need to go somewhere else first in order to turn around.

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Turning around on a canal is a spot of a problem when the boat is twice as long as the canal is wide. The Bro settled in for a spot of guffawing and the occasional terrified scream, while I prepared the Cardinal as best I could. I put the extension stick on the tiller thingy, moved the gin decanter and a flask of carbonated quinine water to the aft deck, sliced through the mooring ropes with my cutlass and rang on the engine-room repeater for “full steam ahead”. Fenders and stovepipes and some other little obvious signs that I was a complete numptie newbie I forgot about althogether of course. Off we went, scattering kayakers, row-boatists and the occasional cyclist before us.

Hornblower lives and breathes, I told myself, one hand tucked behind my back and the other tickling the steering stick. At pipe bridge I found the necessary “winding hole” (a ruddy great widening of the canal, for the purpose of performing a 180° change of vector) and, even with towpath observers (a bloke, two kids and a very sarcastic dog), I managed the necessary. Back the way we’d come we went, homeward bound.

Barbridge Junction, thus far the site of all of my most infamous moments including one shameful “Timothy West” (oops – contact sport) incident, offered me some small confustication. We arrived at the same time as an inferior boat from the opposite direction and, being English, I naturally gave way, thus losing all hope of steery-steery control, dignity and panache. We eventually and in due order got through the ninety-degree turn under the bridge and pootled through the narrow gap around the long curve lined with moored wotsits, watchermacallums – various boats. All seemed well enough… even surviving passing someone performing a “grounding” as he rammed his boat into the bank and bushes in his own efforts to “turn around”. I was doing magnificently, all things considered.

Until some chap on the boat ahead pulled in to something we old canal hands call “the side” – and gesticulated at me wildly. I read his signals as “we’ve hit an iceberg and require assistance” when in fact he was simply saying “the lady wife has stopped to pick some Periwinkle Bullpluckers from the hedgerow, please pass”.

Well, my body was still present at that stage, but my mind had long since retired to pastures new and unknown. I forgot how to bring a narrowboat gently alongside the towpath, and I make a complete pig’s ar… ear of it all. Words and phrases such as “chin-chin” and “no trouble at all” and “thank you for enquiring, but we have the lifeboat procedure in hand” were exchanged and on we went. On we went towards my greatest triumph and my greatest downfall to date.

Venetian Marina is reached, from Barbridge, by a seriously-proportioned lock of the going down variety (I had been up it the previous day), and the Bro leapt off (with not a little relief at feeling dry land under his sandals again), the “windy-windy stick” in his hairy little hand for the paddly-paddly lock gate thingies. Back in Hornblower mode, I slipped the Cardinal into the narrow gap and a couple of helpful itinerants assisted by opening the paddles full-tilt, thus making us bounce around like a Tory cork in a Labour bucket of champagne at a Liberal fund-raiser. My underwear suffered dreadfully as we bobbed on the froth, but we avoided the cill as we descended, and that’s all that really matters isn’t it?

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The lower gate was opened and we pootled out – and that was where I not only lost it but forgot almost entirely what “it” looked like. A cross-wind had been developing all morning and, Greek and Roman gods being the sods that they are, it was gusting horribly at a very inebriated angle across the marina and my (temporary) home mooring. My brow furrowed, my buttocks tautened (even after all of these years of gym-work) and I somehow sensed that this wasn’t going to end well… These photographs, I hasten to add, were all taken the following day, when springtime had returned, and this is why the water looks flat calm and dandy.

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The Bro quite wisely remained at the lock, tidying up the paperwork for Lloyds of London, and preparing the lock for the next boatload of victims. He wasn’t born yesterday.

The following series of photographs and diagrammatical representations indicates just what an old sea-dog’s dinner I made of the manoeuvre.

This was the plan:

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A plan full of straight lines and certainties and neat things in red and blue.

Unfortunately, the plan also included masses of moored narrowboats, unbelievably tight gaps, tight turns and, as it turned out, no chance, Squire, none at all.

This is more like what happened:

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I tried, I really tried. I kept such speed on as I dared, I cut the corner by the pontoon end as closely as was humanly possible and I launched into the necessary one-eighty turn the moment our arse-end wouldn’t smack the boat moored right on the turn…

and none of it worked. The blustery winds took one look at the rather tall slab sides of the fifty-seven foot long Cardinal and they laughed at the best-laid plans of a man-mouse. About twelve rotten attempts later they relented, the bow accidentally swung in the direction of my narrow berth twixt live-aboard neighbours, the Bro – having had plenty of time to stroll down from the lock while I faffed and farted about – stuck an encouraging thumbs-up in the air, and I set the Cardinal’s prop spinning wildly.

I didn’t so much re-berth as re-enact the beach landings at Normandy.

But we were back, back where for the moment, we should be.

While I fainted (landing gently into the remains of the gin decanter) the Bro took pity and tied up the mooring lines and things.

Job done.

Boy, was I done.

I have been advised though that, in narrowboat on canal terms, what I’d just done was about the most difficult manoeuvre I’d be called upon to do – turning the bows in a tight space against the wind, while tight myself.

I do hope so.

Now it’s onwards and upwards with the rest of the nautical DIY to-do list, now that gas and water are working (callee calloo callay oh frabjous day). Gas cookery and diesel-powered showery, civilisation returns and the spectres of rickets and terminal body-odour recede.

My nerves can regroup. For a while. Until the next time the Cardinal and I move (which will be after some engine-bay work in order to go and have our respective hulls blacked).

I now have about five hours and three locks of experience under my belt – plus a mooring manoeuvre best not further mentioned. Shiver me timbers, and suchlike.

🙂

29 Comments

  1. I love your diagrams! Ha ha, rather you than me, that’s all I can say. I watch with awe whenever I walk past the locks in Middlewich and see people maneuvering their boats 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The thing that puzzles me about the Cardinal is that I can’t find the hand-brake, and the steering seems a bit wobbly… I wonder if perhaps I ought to retro-fit a horse plodding along the towpath? The world might be safer if I did!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That would be awesome!

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  2. Jack Scott says:

    A baptism of fire and you survived the flames. Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank’ee sir, thank’ee! At one stage during the many, many attempts to moor I did consider just waiting until the wind had taken me wherever and then mooring there as though that had been my plan all along! I need slaves, slaves that I can hand a rope to and order over the side to swim and to tow…

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  3. davidprosser says:

    You’ve made such progress Ian that I assume from now on we should use your title instead? Well Admiral, does this mean that not only have you named the boat that the name now proudly regales her bow (or stern or whatever mood strikes). Did you paint it yourself or have one of the war wounded, peg legged mariners from the Peninsular Wars do it?
    I look forward to more adventures on the High C’s (canals that is) soon.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Regrettably the new name is yet to be emblazoned on the Cardinal’s buttocks – still awaiting a day or three of good weather (days that are not already claimed for other “outside” jobbies)! ASAP, or sooner… Mind you, bearing in mind my current skill level tis well that we are travelling somewhat incognito at the moment!

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  4. Hmm. I’m not much of a sailor and not great at parallel parking a car either, so I’d rather read about your experiences than emulate them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. One of my life-tactics is to unhinge my mind, put it to one side and just do whatever I have to do – then, afterwards, I wax lyrical aboiut it as though I were present and conscious throughout the whole experience (when in fact my body was there entirely without me)!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. apaulsavage says:

    See, we told you it was easy!! All downhill from here on in.
    Solo cruising should be fun. Try to think what you will do if, and when, you need a piddle – do you bucket and chuck it? wear rubber pants sealed at the ankle and go with the flow.
    Locks, and lift bridges are no problem – what is, is the swing bridges – still haven’t had to figure them out yet.
    Nice meeting you, and glad you got back safe and sound. – happy sailing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In recent years I have learned the wisdom of Confucius – that every journey starts with a stop in the hedgerow after twenty minutes or so! Liquid intake control on moving days will needs must be stepped up to more disciplined levels, and wider-topped, larger-capacity wellies procured… 😉

      When you get a mo, can you remind my addled brain of your own website/blog address please, and also the other writer and artist that you mention? Many thankums – and thanks for the coffee! As Vera Lynn said to the judge, we’ll meet again, don’t know where, don’t know when…

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      1. apaulsavage says:

        My friends website for canal oriented and photo oriented fluff and stuff can be found at
        http://canalscape.net/
        His canal boat experience covers 55+ years. Have fun.

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  6. franklparker says:

    That brings back memories of my first taste of narrow boating, on the famed Cheshire Ring,summer of 1980 Getting lined up to enter a lock in a cross wind was an absolute nightmare. What a blessing you have a sense of humour!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ever since childhood some of my regular nightmares have featured deep water, I do have to wonder at my sanity in choosing to live on a narrowboat and negotiate locks on a regular basis! I’ve given myself no choice, and the locks and deep water won’t win, I shall! 😉

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  7. itsathought2 says:

    I spit my water out at the diagram of your tight turn while tight. Excellent post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I must confess that I simplified the diagram too – there were times when the Cardinal and I were inside out as well as in the wrong place and heading in the wrong direction. We were on the verge of giving up and just mooring wherever the wind took us when fortune favoured the idiot and our bows found home!

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  8. You made me laugh and cry at the same time. We bought a 26 foot river cruiser last September and we’ve yet to take it through a lock. Ours is an old boat so we’re not so worried about a couple of bumps here and there, as long it’s against a wall and not one of those expensive cruisers that always seem to be in our way whenever we try to dock. We’ve been taking our boat onto the lake from the marina and mooring overnight at one of the free temporary pontoons – just before the lock – on the outskirts of the next town upriver (about a half hour’s chugging distance). After reading your post I think we’ll just have to grab the ‘bull by the horns’ and go through that lock on our next ‘voyage’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, if I can do it then the least that you can do is to cause some sort of diversion while I apologise to everyone I hit on the way! Give it a go! Like you, I do worry about those fibreglass things, they seem so insubstantial… 😉

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      1. I’ll let you know how we get on 🙂

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  9. JunkChuck says:

    Argh! Sounds like ye be ready to cross The Main, Captain!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I may begin with the Channel, or possibly the Irish Sea. It all depends upon whether I have the canal guide upside down or right side left or something… 😉

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  10. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    Author Ian Hutson on his first day Barging and Berthing Without A Responsible Person to help him (Note: – Coerced Brothers don’t count) 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. apaulsavage says:

      Don’t go calling it a barge. Us Narrowboaters don’t like it. We can be a snobby lot!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Cheers Muskie! For my whole life I’ve woken up each morning (or afternoon, sometimes early evening) and not been able to believe that I’m allowed out in the world without at least some sort of uniformed medical escort! A nurse with a Taser and who’s not afraid to use it, that sort of thing. It seems so unfair on everybody else!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Toffeeapple says:

    That sounds like initiation by fire, you poor chap. It will never happen again, will it? Well done for surviving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They say that worse things happen at sea. If I ever find myself at sea in the Cardinal that will definitely be a worse thing! 😉

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      1. apaulsavage says:

        You know, if, after a wide bit of canal, the locals start saluting you with the words ‘Mon Brave!’ You have definitely turned the wrong way somewhere!!

        Also if, after travelling for a few hours, and the scenery looks the same. make sure that you did remember to cast off!!

        Liked by 1 person

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