It’s Probably Good For The Sole

As I performed my world-renowned “Flying Prolapse” into my comfortable reclining chair the other evening I was afforded, by the always-faulty wiring of my brain-gland, a bit of a giggle.

In the total insanity of the human world my sensible shoes would appear to have found solace in ultra-orthodox religion. Oy vey.

Or is it only me that can see the signs? I thought that I had contracted (is that what one does?) tinnitus of an especially melodic and rhythmic nature but no, as usual I was wrong, it’s just my shoes exploring nigunim without me.

I won’t apologise (never forget, never forgive, never apologise, never explain) for the state of the steps. It’s Winter. There are three steps down into the Cardinal, each with coconut husk matting to tease out the muck that the rubber matting on the well deck didn’t, and only then do my feet negotiate with the proper “doormat”. Wet, mud, sacks of coal, you name it, it’s dragged over those steps. I’ll wipe them off and re-varnish them come Spring.

If we’re any of us alive then, of course.

I get lots of cheap schitzengiggles in my life, on account of the brain-gland having been dropped onto the factory floor, swept up and dolloped into my Head Bone c/w swarf, fluff, and the production-line worker’s hair net. They also cross-threaded two of the Pilips screws that hold my hat-filler bone in place, and this has allowed damp and mice to get in over the years.

Walking the other morning I could not for the life of me understand why the Vikings chose “Teapots, Crossed” as their heraldic device.

The Viking heraldic device of Teapots; Crossed.

It must have been awfully difficult, rowing across the Kattegat and Skagerrak with a teapot balanced on their heads. This is probably what put them in a bad mood when they arrived in Ingerlund – finding out that we already had teapots and that their trade goods were effectively worthless.

The cracks are beginning to show, aren’t they?

Just another brick in the wall.

Rome must have felt just like this, towards the end.

Towards the end of its time, I mean, not its geographic end.

If we do live in a Matrix then I am sure certain that we’re filling the error logs apace, and some poor sod is frantically trying to shut us down for a cold-start reboot.

I’m talking about my boots again, aren’t I? Let’s look at some clouds instead.

The Sky Gods are somewhat angry today.

They’re on all sides. Cardinal Wolsey, myself, and Yeshayahu and Mordechai (my sensible shoes) are surrounded.

A tree by a canal, with a railway line to watch over.

Strange times. I also had a – wry, unamused, sad – schitzengiggle at the news that those government agencies known as “supermarkets” are beginning to get the Great Unwashed used to the re-introduction of food rationing. Matters not that in WWII this was done directly by the government, and that in WWIII it is being performed by an agency (ASDA, Morrisons, Sainsbury’s etc), the end result – the ‘what is actually happening, not what we’re told is happening’ is the same. Rationing. Just the beginnings of.

Can’t be long now before some MP stands on their hooves in Parliament and raises the novel notion of ‘conscription of the masses’, and Diane Abbott’s Thinking Monkey For The Hard-Of-Neuroning applauds and announces that we’ll be sending eleventy-twelve trillion soldiers to The Ukraine, at a cost of £2 14/- 6d. each, translating into a saving for the Public Purse of all of the money that every there was when they come back dead and don’t need a state pension.

There’s other news too of course, but it’s all as depressing as The Papal Hammer, tap, tap, shower-head.

The Canal Company is thinking to fill a fifty million DEFRA grant hole in its budget by raising the licence fee at the moment only especially so for those of us without a home mooring – about six thousand boats, maximode. Ask Diane Abbott to do the arithmetic on that one! Cretins, all.

Folk who do have a “home mooring” in a marina are all in favour, not realising, methinks, that once they’ve bent us over a barrel and had their wicked way the Canal Company Ltd will just move on to shafting the next divided group and the next…

One part petrol, two fistfuls of polystyrene packing-peanuts, stuff a rag in the end, add Man’s red fire, lob over-arm and enjoy.

Oh fer cryin’ out loud, I’m going to have songs from Jungle Book in my head all day now.

Bugger it.

Back it is then… to the Bare Necessities.

Chin-chin, Chihuahuaii.

Ian H., Cardinal W., and shoes.


  1. The lack of vegetables in the supermarkets is more than adequately made up for by the excess of vegetables in the government.


    1. This is indeed true, sadly. My ASDA order this week was delivered by SECURICOR van with a police escort. You could tell that the police escort was fake, the uniform just wasn’t right and the erotic dancing was most inappropriate.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. They do like to see how far they can go, don’t they.
    Damn fool sanctions which bugger up your own industries and farming, blame the lot on Brexit while buggering that up as well…before you know it we will have a re run of Woolton’s wartime recipes and wardens stalking the supermarket aisles whirling a gas rattle at anyone at the meat counter.
    As to the increase in the licence fee, as the Shadoks believed, to have the fewest malcontents as possible, always go for the same people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it true that a well-shaken barrel of monkeys could do a better job of things than our current Great & Glorious with death and disaster following on from their every lightest touch. Trebuchet. Trebuchetsies are the answer. We ought all to fling our politicians at one another, at least until they cry ‘ouch!’ and “no more!’ at which point we should hit them all on the head with shovels until the last twitch has left their bodies. JMHO.

      The Canal Company Ltd are plumbing the depths, increasing licence fees by outrageous amounts while simultaneously advertising for “Diversity Directors” and “Communication Managers” – all posts carrying a £100,000pa+ salary plus pension, health insurance, car allowance, petrol allowance – and no requirement to ever come into any office, being “work from home” positions… and throwing in, if you can believe the insensitivity, discounted boat licences for successful applicants!

      Seriously, I’d love to send all of C&RT Corporate to the Seychelles or similar (by trebuchet).



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