Forgotten But Not Gone

Ian Hutson

a.k.a. a total lack of oomph and nothing whatsoever to say to the world.

It’s bin a’While here. bin Man was a close relative. bin Laden is a phrase relating to a full dustbin. bin Lid is an unfortunate family name.

I still don’t have anything to say. It’s all very silly, isn’t it?

That, I suppose, was something. There must be more in there. Give me a moment to delve into the brain-gland with my favourite chopsticks and we’ll see what we can dig up.

Grey matter, white matter, Neurons Matter (All Neurons Matter), Matchbox Car that went up my nose in nineteen sixty-three… [sloppy, gloopy sound effects]… ah yes, here we go. Moan moan moan. Now I remember. Oh – what’s that worm doing in there? Moan moan moan, whine whine whine. This is the stuff. Getting the lid back on a brain is akin to getting the lid back on a tin of Dulux emulsion. ‘it it wiv a ‘ammer.

Underneath the arches.

‘What the Helly Hell do I write about?’

‘No idea’ replied Brain.

‘It’s been so long since I’ve done this.’

‘Well try typing some random sh*t and see what happens’ said Brain, opening the fridge and looking for snacks.

‘Alright.’

The first court cases are in their tentative beginnings in re the exclusion of we filthy live-aboard boaters from the Exchequer’s “funny money” give-away in the form of “energy grants”. The waters though have been significantly (possibly deliberately) muddied, so I am only holding breath in one lung, leaving the other two available for expostulations such as ‘surprise surprise surprise’ and ‘knock me down wiv a fevver’ when “we” lose.

Membrum Virileii throughout Parliament are continuing to cough and be elsewhere, podgy little faces like slapped prolapses screwed up tight as they ball their fists and ignore any and all calls from any and all quarters, anxious to be entirely uninvolved lest they incur the whip of the Whip upon their pasty white arses. It would appear that ‘all households’ is a phrase that actually excludes anyone with a boat as their sole dwelling. Bearing in mind that Members of Parliament will all have been paid the aforementioned grant twice, once for their purported constituency home and once for their home home… while on a basic salary more than ten times the size of the State Pension, plus expenses and – dare I say it – manifold blatant, shameless fiddles.

Lights in the lane move in mysterious ways their illuminations to perform.

The c Anal River Mistrust Ltd are doing what all human organisations do during the latter hours of their Decline & Fall; some are silent, others screaming, some looting the offices, others begging their former masters for mercy. “Administration Charges” are being introduced for all manner of activities – £95 for example if you have the temerity to hold any event where more than one man and a small dog may be in attendance. You get nowt for the money of course, no insurance, no assistance, no nuffink – just the pleasure of paying an “Administration Charge”. If you’re a boater, this on top of an already costlier “trading licence”. The thin end of a very thick wedge; watch this space.

The c Anal River Mistrust Ltd (did I really just mistype that again?) continue apace with their rêve humide of dividing and conquering by inventing (illegally) a Widebeam Licence (already done), a Boat-Without-A-Home-Mooring Licence (in the process), and – I predict – a GRP Cruiser licence, a sky-blue pink boat licence and a licence for your licence, with holder*.

*Not Noddy.

We are in the throes of Death By A Thousand Mediocrities.

The decision on the continuation of DEFRA funding is now approaching a year over-due. Fifty-four or so million quid per anus horribilis – in taxpayer terms larger amounts have been left in tips for the waiters after formal state banquets. I suspect that the Trust’s somewhat interesting liabilities in re seventeen or eighteen neglected and failing reservoirs may be having some influence. That, and their corporate grasp of Alternatively Defined Competences. Whatever it is, the Trust have left boaters wide open to all manner of (other) rushed and ill-considered nonsenses. Give them a bonus and move them on to their next generic “I am a manager I can manage anything” role.

Truly we live as best we can under the sweaty buttocks of self-serving incompetent intellectual minnows. No offence intended.

‘Brain – is this the sort of random sh*t you meant?’

‘Not really, but keep going. You’re digging a nice hole for yourself.’

‘Alright. Wilco.’

Currently moored with a long line of boats at the bow whose “Keepers” obviously think that ‘solar panel’ is just some sort of dress-making term, like pinking shears, pleat, placket, and puff-ball sleeves… and they call me the Luddite!

Bridge Over Much-Troubled Waters. Probably soon to be coin-operated.

Discovered this morning on what passes for a “news” website (Russia Today – physical pain alert: the entire website is written in American, not English) that ‘contempt of [sic] a public official’ is a crinimal offence in France. Gods help us, we’re all done for. Apparently some thousands have been prosecuted, the latest such being a lady who closely linked the name Macron with the word ‘ordure’.

Get me a cell ready please, I am going to need one.

Much as I have been conditioned to use the Franglais term-of-obvious-affection ‘Fromage manging singe de reddition’ I do confess to a growing admiration for those trapped abroad and closest to the English Channel. Protesting with such vigour about their retirement age being increased to still some two years and three months lower than is mine here in England can only be admired. Would that the blubbery, phone-obsessed English had such balles à gratter. My apologies to their language, natch, but you understand my drift.

‘Brain? Will that do?’

‘Yes, I suppose so. Not bad considering that you still have no oomph and really can’t be arsé. Go on then, add another photo of something random and click ‘Publish’ and be damned.

‘May I have a chocolate biscuit then please, Brain?’

‘Have two, I’m feeling Magnus Nannymouse.’

‘The Icelandic quiz chap?’

‘That’s the one.’

‘A biscuit you say? A whole biscuit?’

‘Push the boat out m’lad. Grasp one in each hairy paw. Just put the lid back on the barrel.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Nada.’

Here’s a Herod sitting in a dead tree. Um – a heron.

A heron sat sitting in a dead tree.

Bonus – here’s a Chinook heckilopter flying over a barn.

A Chinook whoomf-whoomfing over the countryside at some minimal altitude, just because it can.

Chin-chin chaps and chappesses. I’m off to get pissed

on by the torrential rain. Brain didn’t buy any chocolate biscuits in our ASDA order, so I’ve to go and fetch them. Fetch, boy! Heel! Sit! Roll over and die for the Queen. King. Whatever. What’s the penalty for misgendering royalty?

Hanging, drawing, and twenty-five percenting eh? What’s that you say? Bring my own paper and pencil for the drawing stage?

You know it makes sense. I liked it so much that I bought the company.

Ian H., & Cardinal W. Scum & Scourge.

Diduntwedowell.

17 Comments

    1. We would appear to be either the next stage in brain evolution – or the previous stage. I can’t decide which… 😉 I’m not sure that it matters in the great flow of things, whatever we are, we’re much more fun than the standard two-door 1600L version!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Och, don’t be too hard on the puir wee bureaucrats. Some of them don’t like being barstewards – but they work alongside some who relish it, and that makes it worse.
    Doesn’t help your boatie life any, I suppose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right of course, and I do note the chasm betwixt Canal Company Corporate and the (remaining, few) real workers with experience/common-dog. The divide is widening unfortunately, as a direct result of the “policies” of the [word redacted] – the ones who, if you were to ask them to close an office door, would reach for their laptop… 😉

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  4. So good to hear from you, Ian. Like many others, I was a bit concerned with your non-appearance in my inbox. Good to know you are still OK.
    I empathise with your lack of inspiration. I often feel that way, too.
    Still, we soldier on.

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  5. Pleased to see your post, I was quite concerned as we had not heard from you. Keep on keeping on.
    Pam in Texas.x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Pam, good to hear from you and I hope that all is well in Texas, or at the very least in your corner of it. I skim over the news from the U of S of A just as I skim over the news of England and the rest of this world – it’s all far too depressing. Not dissimilar to watching a troop of baboons trying to drive a Rolls-Royce out of some showroom. We need more meerkat.

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    1. Been struggling to kommunicate – even I get bored silly with my same old same old rantings. 🙂 Attempted several times to pen a post or two but found them too embarrassingly dreary to foist upon even my follower numbers… I shall have to find some way to put the wheels back on the bus.

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      1. I’ve found that, during prolonged periods of writer’s block, a spot of plagiarism generally does the trick. American sitcoms are good to plagiarize, given that they’ve plagiarized most of their content from lesser known British television programmes in the first place.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Re the French…it has always been an offence to upset any official of the Republic…’outrage et rebellion’. I discovered this when encountering a silent march outside the local gendarmerie, protesting at the deaths of two boys run over by a drunken gendarme. They had placards, but said they could not shout or they would be arrested for said o and r.
    I had an encounter with o and r in a supermarket where I was busy hoovering up top class butter in the ‘reduced’ bin. Officious fellow shopper said that the butter was for everyone, I asked if she wanted some…she did not, but foreigners should not be profiting from something offered to the French. So I gave her a brief resume of how profiting from France and the French is an impossibility and enquired what is was to her if I was hoovering up the butter. I had been polite so far. She replied that she was the mayor of a commune not far from us and that I had to watch how I spoke to her. I said I would take her advice, but as she was not wearing her sash, was not on official business nor was she in her commune I would suggest to the ‘gonzesse’ that I did not appreciate a ‘conasse’ interfering with my liberty to shop.
    ‘Les Anglais!’ she hissed.
    ‘Non, madame, Ecossaise! Nemo me impune lacessit’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I lives and I learns. I hadn’t realised that about France – praise be to the [Greek and Roman] gods that my ignorance was not tested during holidays there! More proof if proof be needed that the Human Species is at heart a seriously flawed and essentially non-peaceful and unhappy animal – if everyone were to be somehow suddenly content, warm, fed, and amused there would still be a large percentage who craved an extra centime or just that little bit of power over their fellow critters. Even were that “authority” to be utterly useless some would crave it, seek it, abuse it. We evolved in family groups and tribes, we lack the mechanisms to just get along in such numbers as we now see and cheek by jowl.

      Thank’ee most kindly for the new words to add to my collection. 🙂 I shall use them wisely.

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  8. Well I was saying to yhe boss the other day ” wonder what the hell has happened to the Cardinal ” as we are back in your usual location after the trust locking in at Ellesmere port. There incompetence is beyond belief, shut the canal off and drained it at br 140a. Not an effing mention of doing so anywere! After six weeks I get a ticket saying I hadn’t moved! You just couldn’t write it, I contacted the department concerning aforementioned ticket and the “lady” says there are no stoppages on that section of canal & I replied “I can assure you I don’t want to be stuck in Ellesmere port” so after telling her that the stoppage comes under culverts on her Web site she still couldn’t find it so I sent her the screenshot of the page across via email. She eventually got back to me to say the notice had been taken off my account. Oh and no apology!
    There is soooo much more to tell but I’m loosing the will to live so I’ll save it until we meet again.
    Back on Vlockie duties again next Monday for the summer season so will no doubt see you soon.
    Until such time
    TTFN

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good to hear from you, I’d wondered where you were patrolling this past winter! The Canal Company is in some sort of implosion methinks, with chaos abounding – not surprising when they’ve sacked all of the expertise and instead filled offices with teenies brandishing their single O-Level certificates in “Social Media Studies”. The extra buggeration of it all is that the “replacement” will be no better thought out or considered than was C&RT…

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