My Books

Read free samples of the currently released works by clicking on the book covers below. No sign-up, no nuffink. Links to iBooks and Smashwords appear underneath, just click on those to go to your preferred supplier.


My latest book, ‘Cheerio, and thanks for the apocalypse’ will be released on the 3rd of November 2018, but is available for pre-order NOW.

CATFTA

What is it?

It is seven disconnected tales of self-indulgent, self-deprecating, self-referencing woe, woe and thrice woe, Petunia, filling the pages in a most seriously unserious giggle-fest. Atom bombs rain down, there is some confusion as to who ought to be within the insane asylums and who ought to be without, and England’s pensioners are treated quite implausibly dreadfully. Life never ends, death isn’t forever and the afterlife, such as it is, is in chaos. The greatest thinkers of our time think awe-inspiringly vast, modern thoughts – and their dog makes them look like intellectual minnows swimming with intellectual sharks. This is not entirely unexpected though, since the dog in question, based upon a real-life dog of the author’s real-life experience, put Genghis Khan in the shade and was apt to make Charles Darwin spin in his grave, embarrassed by his demonstrably flawed theories.

England is neither Heaven nor Hell, but both are English Empire territories and you can see both from the White Cliffs of Dover without using binoculars. God often pokes an eyeball down through the clouds and the Devil is apt to leave hoof-marks in the lawns. The politicians in this book, all delicious one-hundred and twenty-six thousand calories each, are not loved and respected as are all politicians in real life, but are here portrayed simply as two-dimensional lying, self-serving, ignorant, shameless mediocrities. Further, the reader must be warned that London, the centre of the universe and beloved by one and all, the only portion of England that truly matters, is …brace yourself …reduced to black, powdery ashes. No, seriously, you ought not to laugh at that. Whatever would we do with the country’s tax income if London were not there to soak it all up?

Is ‘Cheerio, and thanks for the apocalypse’ a book of its time? Well, the author reckons that he’s caught the essential flavour of the present Establishment and of the rank and file, and caught it just moments before we all climb back into the trees and forget how to read and write, too. That much he claims as a success.

What then of the book’s failures? The author is, as are we all, a prisoner of his own constitution and can no more change his ways than fly. Flies are particularly known to not change their ways. The author hasn’t changed his ways since Poonah, in forty-three or forty-four, although it must be said that the charges were dropped then, and an out-of-court-martial settlement reached. Consequently, this book is old-fashioned, it’s verbose, and it’s certainly not subtle. It features strong male leads, mild political incorrectness, wilfully woefully little to no diversity, and yet, the author hopes, a laugh or three. The author, ever the optimist, ever the fool, casts this literary pearl before his readership*.

*Yes, we thought that too, but the man’s both desperate and unstable, so it’s best to just smile, nod, and hurry into your bomb-shelter.

Bazza, Gazza, Shazza, Tom, Dick and Harry
The ruinous class-divide survives the bomb.

  • Buttercup Towers and The Pams of Peace
    Derangement and absurdity make excellent bed-pillows.
  • A Better England
    The discontinuation of usefulness, and why old people smell so.
  • Belphegor and the six-inch nail
    Is Mr God a human success story, or are we one of his?
  • Elizabeth, Warrior Queen
    Hold me close, Dean. Never let me go. Oh no.
  • And they think that I’m insane
    God, the Devil, and Albert’s onions.
  • Space, Time, and Pipsqueak
    I thought that I’d thought good thoughts, but my thoughts fell short.

Available from your local
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8 Comments

    1. Gadzooks and other expostulations, sir – if I had to choose one book to keep from my own ramblings, then so far it would be the latest one, The Dog With The Bakelite Nose. They’re all stand-alone collections. NGLND XPX is a celebration of the verbose, but with the later two I have been hacked back to a much more edible state! Many thanks for your interest, and if you do read any of my books then I hope that I do no lasting damage to your psyche… they are all very tongue in cheek, and ought to be read with a riding crop and a large gin nearby… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I must admit (I do admit things now and again) that I made the purchase of your book NGLND XPX from the amazonians online…I stayed befuddled for some of the tales, but did make a reprehensible mess by snorting my tea during a laughing spell brought about by “Begging Your Pardon, My Lord, But Cook’s Been Eaten Again”. It probably wasn’t meant to be funny, I highly doubt a satisfying end result of reading it should be snorting tea out of one’s nose and mouth while laughing and choking, but that seems to be the only true reaction I could employ at the time. Should I ever clear my sinuses of tea leaves I might be persuaded to make another purchase…thankfully I will have to wait until my retirement check once again magically appears in the banking establishment that I am forced to utilize.
    You probably do not wish me to do so, but I have begun following you anyway. It would be nice if the boat actually could move again free of ice so that I don’t have to stand here in the snow and cold for too terribly long a time. I am older than you and the knees tend to quake more easily these days. Carry on.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. NGLND XPX is indeed befuddling – the verbosity was strong in me with that one! I let myself run free. Ten words where perhaps one might have sufficed is mayhap an understatement, but I do rather love the shape, colour, texture and feel of words when strung together in unlikely rows! I am glad that you got a laugh out of it, and I do hope that nothing too irreplaceable was stained with snorted coffee. The other books are much more restrained indeed! 🙂

      Like

  2. Hmmm, do I sense a tiny element of Jasper Fforde meets George Orwell? Two of my favorite writers. I never leave the house without a small volume of Orwell in my purse and I just opened # 7 in the Thursday Next series…

    Liked by 1 person

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